"Mindlessly Floating in Space" More Like Directionless

It's been months since College has started (and more than a year since my last post, please excuse my excessive laziness to write) and I still don't know where I'm going. Thus explains the title of this post. And since I haven't written anything in between September last year and November this year to elaborate how my certainty became an uncertainty and how my plans became little unchecked fuckers on my dusty bucket full of lists, I'll give you an excerpt of my "notes" during one of my classes:

This is me "practicing" block lettering for Arch 1 while "listening" to the lecture until I ended up forsaking my course and my life.

I tried typography on "Living". One word to describe how badly I did it: putangina.

So there you go. Those will give you at least four facts about how I'm doing right now. 

1. I'm having my musical phase because of Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera and Moulin Rouge.
2. I'm obviously failing Arch 1 due to my incompetent block lettering. I also suck at typography.
3. I'm decided (dying to) shift out of BS Architecture.
4. I'm back to my suicidal self??? 

Of the four, I want to tell you about the last two.

Rambling and word vomit will start in 3...

2...

1.

I'm shifting out of my course (hopefully)!!! I can't wait for it to happen. I abhor my course. I abhor what it makes me do and what it has done to me as whole. And it's not because it is hard and tiring. College is hard whatever your course is. Arki is hard and physically tiring. But those aren't the reason why I have decided to shift out. If I love what I'm doing, those won't matter. Unfortunately, I have not a single milligram of love for my course. It made me do so much just to throw my sleepless nightsSssSSs to waste. It exhausted me for nothing. It frustrates me how my best efforts and forty eight hours of labor won't get me the grades I want and I'm not even aiming for a 1.75. I don't have high expectations on my grades yet I still don't achieve them. It's irritating, degrading and cruel. It made me hate the only hobby I have: drawing. Drawing gives me a break from life. It's like my safe-haven. I've always been happy and satisfied with what I draw because I do it for myself. Now, drawing discourages me because other people grade it and everyone's disappointed. What I used to do for myself now I do for others who don't even appreciate it. It made me hate myself. Truth be told, I experienced weeks of crying at night. Every time I do my plates, there's an endless chanting whisper in my head, repeating the words "Fuck Arki fuck life fuck plates putangina..." I was miserable because I did not know the reason at first. But when enlightenment came and I realized that I have to stop torturing myself and force something that's not meant for me, I suddenly felt better. I have decided to shift out and leave this shit hole. The idea that I'll be able to do that in just a few months opened a door in my dark room. Even if it's just a little streak of light coming from the slightly opened door, it's still hope.

I may or may not also be back to my suicidal self. It's not that I'm cutting wrists or whatever way it is to hurt myself. It's just that I realized recently, life is pointless. In the end, we're all going to die, And when we die, it's not like we could bring what we have right now to our next life. If there is. Honestly, a huge part of me doesn't believe in life after death may it be heaven/hell or reincarnation. Maybe that's why I have decided that whatever we do here on Earth is pointless. Whatever achievement or legacy we leave on Earth when we die, won't really matter to us when we die because what is there to enjoy when we're not even there? All these made the struggles I'll experience in a lifetime not worth it. Why will I put so much effort on something that is completely temporary such as happiness?

The combination of these two almost made me break my hand intentionally just to run away from the responsibilities of an Arki student for a month, until the sem ends. That sounds radical but I was desperate. I wanted nothing else but to stop doing plates. Dropping my majors also became an option, but the idea that it'll make a lot of people ask a lot of questions I'm too tired and fed up to answer made it an unfavorable choice.

That's how I was a few months ago.. I'm a lot better now. I got through my depression with the support of my family and friends. The best thing I did is stop expecting and stop giving a shit. Though I'm happier now, the disintegration of my past plans (aka be an architect etc etc), pushed me out of the road and into a pathless way. All I know right now is I have to be successful. I have to fix my life. Unfortunately, I don't know how to go about it. I am now scared of making big choices especially after how my first one (choosing my course and my future job aka joining the College of Architecture) failed and almost completely ruined my life (and my wrist + writing hand).

I'm currently at Starbucks right now, having a second batch of my breakfast while waiting for my friend to arrive. God, I love the atmosphere in this place at this time. Starbucks isn't bustling with costumers like it usually is. I could clearly hear the soothing bossa nova music I love. It goes well with the aroma of coffee that circulates the air. Together, these two never ceases to relax me. This is why I love early mornings at Starbucks.

Two Days Only Research Part I: Not Really Research to A Not-Really Night Out With the Rooftop Buddies

Yesterday was the start of our two days only “Research is (not) Fun” (©self) days. These are the days we’re supposed to spend working only on our research proposal (because if we fail to come up with one, we won’t graduate). Years ago, this event lasted for a week or two. Unfortunately, since the not-so-new-but-very-controversial administration of our school is such a bummer, it was cut down to two days. Meaning, less time to spend a legal out of school hang out lol.

The first day is what we call the “in-camp” since obviously, we have to stay in the “campus” (lol our school doesn’t really fit the definition) to work on and/or plan for our research proposal. And though our group is completely aware of the deficiency in the time given to us to complete our research project, we remained to be unproductive that day. Instead of seriously planning for our research, I spent the morning rewatching Dr. Who and Sherlock episodes and the afternoon with my two best guy buddies.

We ordered McDo for lunch. I never should have lol I am now seriously broke.

And because we got bored (and yes maybe you’re getting bored reading this too), here, have a Mando impersonating Gordon Ramsay wooopweedo! *laughs at my amateur video skills and my laziness for not editing the video*

By dismissal time, I was pretty peeved (because of certain unnecessary events) so my good ol’ friends went informal settlers with me in Neon IV’s room (lol none of us actually belongs to the section shhhh). We spent around an hour there talking about things, being racist, and being vain.

 

Lol Mando we love you so much.

*fangirls over mah Benedict Handsomebatch*

  And there you go, Mando and Marco being racist by playing the most racist game ever.

*Laughs at my friends*

And then tada! We did our ritual today!

<shouts>To the car park!</shouts>

I swear, Marco was really trying to do a model pose. *facepalms* 

I will forever suck at photography, won’t I? 

And since we saw the guards at the rooftop walking our way, we ran away (actually, Mando made us run away, you know being black and all lol) and we ended up here.   

And because we think it’s cool to use laptop in an empty parking lot. Kidding, it’s because we’re working on a "project" (and that’s what we’re supposed to tell the guards if ever we get kicked out lol).  

I know you guys missed my face. (hart hart)

The day’s really fun. All I did was laugh and laugh even though at some points I got really pissed off. It’s all thanks to Mando and Marco. They’re really supportive of me recently since I just went through a mountainous path.

Awww, Singles Trio forever!! *group hugz* :-)

To Start Anew

"Every end is a new beginning."

I just ended my relationship... with http://ournamesindeadlanguage.blogspot.com/ !!!!

Okay so I'm starting a new blog. This blog.

And these are my reasons why:

• My past blog doesn't even look appealing!
• My posts there are often tl;dr heavy. And who would want to read tl;dr heavy posts with almost no pictures? No one. Plus, my blog theme's really weird. It's like it cannot decide whether it is a Minimalist theme or not. Also, the Comic Sans font that keeps on showing itself on my Blog Title whenever the blog takes too long to load (which is 90% of the time) is very annoying. Why? Because who will take a blog seriously when the Blog Title's font is Comic Sans? I wouldn't. It's very ~*~*jeje*~*~ (I'm enough jeje on Twitter already, I don't need to bring it on my personal blog anymore.)
• Long story short, I don't like how my blog looks.
• It is very unorganized.
• I was not able to use the tags properly. All of my tags are overlapping because I did not plan ahead on what tags to use. I should have since I think the tags are really important.
• The structure of my posts sucks.
• "Sucks" is an understatement. I did not proofread all my posts there (all bloggers should proofread before posting). I'm not an English God not to proofread my posts. I also make mistakes on grammar and I bet my posts there are overflowing with subject-verb disagreement (lol), inconsistency with the tenses, inaccuracy in my wording, too much repetition of certain words, scattered/unorganized thoughts, too much (to the point of annoying) beating around the bush and everything else you might want to point out.
• The content is a big WHAT THE FUCK.
• All my posts there are insensitive, nonsensical, ridiculous, rants, love-life related and things that people wouldn't even want to read because they stink of immaturity and selfishness.
• WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU WRITE EXA?
• I can't even begin to read them because I am so ashamed of everything I wrote.
• I just
• I CAN'T EVEN UGH
• OKAY

So those are my main reasons why I made a new blog. I just don't want to see my past blog anymore because it sucks so much it makes everything hurt and it makes me go: